Love won’t fail us
The title “Love won’t fail us” in regards this letter means that Dunny went through all the mess because of love but kept on going. “In this letter, it looks like love betrayed me and yes it did. But I never stopped loving because love is a beautiful thing, I picked that title because I want someone who tried coming out to a friend and that friend became strange to him or her to not give up and pity himself because it happens.”
Said Dunny. He also invites anyone who still in that situation to pick themselves up and try it again at the right time because there will be someone ready to listen and welcome you the way you are. “We need love and we can find it“. He added.
“With whom shall I share this and not be judged. Maybe none, maybe just one.”
Coming out, even to just myself. Yes, you can come out to yourself. It’s not the same as simply accepting that you are gay. It’s more like setting out and doing something positive about it. You (man) could be comfortable with the fact that you are attracted to men but have not been romantically involved with one. That’s what I mean.
I won’t get into how I got to know that I was sexually attracted and attractive (…lol) to men. 2013, freshman at campus, I called up 5 of my high school friends, individually and told them I was sorry I am not like them. I had no idea why I was apologizing for who I was. I still don’t know why we have to apologize for loving differently. All five were surprised. Not at the fact that I am gay but that they never saw it coming. Haha like I am meant to wear it across my forehead. All five were willing to support me through it all, ridiculous right. It’s not a cancer or plague, I came out so they should know not so they could look at me as a charity case. All five wanted to know about the homo sex life, the details. None of the five asked me if I was happy. None of the five asked if I had a boyfriend but I came out to them anyway. Today, I am only close to one of the five. I call him my straight boyfriend. The rest found excuses for being distant, haha it’s not about me they say (we all know it is).
2014, I came out to my roommate at campus. Let’s first get into the history of how I came to know this guy and why I chose to come out to him. I met him in high school, he was nice to me and we became low-key friends (…the hey – hey kind). We met again at campus and this time; he had a favor to ask of me. He had been allocated a room at hostel that he didn’t like and was wondering how he could go about with the requesting for a relocation. Being the second semester and last of the year, I told him it was quite impossible. Long and short of it, I offered that he could keep his property in my room and sleep in that undesirable room that he been allocated. Well, the arrangement changed, he ended up being my other roommate. Since I already had an initial roommate, and the hostel policy was strictly two beds in each room. We found ourselves sharing my bed. By bed, I mean beddings inclusive. Then we started sharing clothes and pretty much everything.
2014, we became officially roommates, we had applied for a different room, him and I. You know what why don’t we just call him Patrick? So, Patrick became that brother I had newly found. We budgeted together, bought everything together. We seemed so tight until I found love. Now, Patrick had a couple of girlfriends some of whom I knew and had met. No doubt he was happy. I had to look for that happiness too. So, I met this guy and well like all new couples, we always wanted to be in each other’s presence. That was quite tricky for me, I mean my roommate plays for a different team and has no idea that I play a completely different sport.
Here I was again, back in a closet. I had to lie that my boyfriend was my sister’s boyfriend and he just wanted to be friends with me. That should explain the late-night dates, endless gifts, weekend trips, long phone calls. I thought that would settle Patrick’s curiosity. Unfortunately, it didn’t, he wanted to know why all of a sudden, I had become a stranger and why I never go out with him anymore. Had he done something to me? he would ask.
By and large, I decided Patrick needed to know the truth. So, I asked to talk to him shortly after we had had our supper. And boom, I dropped the bombshell. Now, Patrick is generally a shy young man, he couldn’t get himself to look at me. In that moment, I didn’t know if it was out of disgust or shyness. He grabbed a bottle of wine that was in the room and drank it to emptiness then he went to sleep. Without saying anything about what I just told him.
Patrick, so disgusted that I am gay, could no longer stand being in the same place I was in. He actually said to me that he had had friends who were alcoholic, kleptomaniac, drug addicts and he had no problem with their life choices. He however had a very big problem with having a gay friend. The talking reduced, he resorted to dressing up in the bathroom, he was never around the room and sometimes he would not eat the food I had cooked. Around that same time, my boyfriend had started being an ass too (we shall get into that next time). I had to deal with his infidelity and also deal with my roommate who had become a stranger. One of the worst part of my life, I should say. And I am saying this without any hyperbole. It messed me up psychologically, socially, and academically. That semester I failed flat 3/5 of the course units I was doing that I had to retake them.
Eventually, Patrick asked to talk to me, and yeah he asked me out of the room. I couldn’t believe my ears, he asked me out of a room I had initially welcomed him into. Wow, but what to do, we were in a very rowdy hostel in a homophobic society and he dangled the one secret that could in that moment bring me nearer to being mob lynched. I couldn’t stop crying. I was broken. I hated myself and even more I hated the fact that I was alive. I wanted a tap out, I told God. The worst part was that I had to deal with this myself, my boyfriend was busy flirting with other boys and didn’t want to be stressed with my melodrama. Love never fails, they say. In that moment, love had stabbed be and left me for dead.
Well, I moved out of the room. Patrick and I never talk to date. He blocked me from all his social media accounts. I am still not sure whether he said anything to anyone. My boyfriend then, is now some body that I used to know. And well, I have scars to remind me that coming out can be a scary thing but not impossible and definitely it has its merits. With the right people to love you, it should be a glorious thing. Love won’t fail us.
Till next time;
Dunny.
