Through a kiss: a journey to self discovery

Today is saint Valentine, gaychristianafrica.org is proposing an article written in collaboration with Sociétés Inclusives. This short story shared by our anonymous correspondant talks about a confusing journey of love, friendship and acceptance of one’s sexuality.

Have you ever dreamt stopping time? Have you ever felt lost in a moment where you don’t feel the world around you? Yes, I mean that moment when the wind and the sound disappear then the universe of emotions and feelings opens up and absorbs you. That’s the power of a kiss. 

It may sound weird but if you take a moment and think about your first (real) kiss you will agree with me. 

I hated my feelings and never wanted to admit them. When people in the neighborhood even at my home would talk about homosexuality, it was always in very dishumanazing way. It was always in a negative way which made me think I should never be homosexual and had to change. Yes, I have tried millions of times, millions of ways to make sure I do not be attracted to men like me . I failed each day and for a long time I was mad at myself, till one day everything lost a meaning and made me realize I can be  different and fine.

My friends did not know about my sexual orientation, I would have not allowed it to happen since I was convinced like them that homosexuality is something to chase away. At my adolescent age, when asked if I had a crush on a girl, I would always say yes and would start describing her. Of course I would be lying to be part of the group and don’t give any suspicions ideas. I would usually  have a crush on a boy but I would change  “him” to “her” when talking to my friends. It has become normal to lie as such and no one would know about it. Lucky enough back then in Bujumbura, there was no facebook, no whatsapp, no smartphone. Therefore the “  show me her picture” uncomfortable statement was not brought up. Thanks to God it did not last for long. 

Alexis was my friend and we used to hang out many times and spend hours moving around,  visiting other friends or even sitting around the street to kill time. He was so positive and always had funny stories. It was amazing passing time with him. He never holds up compliments, he would  always compliment me about anything and that would make me feel good about myself. 

One night it was like a normal night together, while talking to him looked at me and said “ You’ve got some damn nice eyes, your face is so expressive by the way, I like it” I blushed and nervously smiled as I said “ that’s  so cute of you”. We looked at each other and laughed then he said “ Well, sounds like we are in love, us becoming weirdly love birds is so weird”. After we remained together for a moment teasing each other, but something changed in me. In that moment I realized that Alexis was never only a friend to me, I was crushing on him. But I knew I could never tell him that. 

It was dinner time and we had to go back to our homes. As we were heading home in the dark and empty street, Alexis put his hand on my shoulder and with a low voice said “ Do you want to do something weird? But of course if you won’t be mad after” I turned my head, looked at him and asked him” what do you mean?” He stopped, timidly smiled and put his hands on my waist then laid his forehead on mine for a few seconds, moved his arms to my neck and kissed me.

In that moment, me feeling his breath that closer and his lips landing on mine, I couldn’t exist anymore. I was in another world that I can not describe. I don’t remember how long or short it was but I did not care at all. I remember hugging him badly after the kiss and him laughing and said” well it seems, you didn’t dislike it and this means that I am likely to get a second one…?” It was an A moment that changed everything. When I reached home, all happy with a smile from ear to ear, I was wondering how loving another guy was that bad if it left me that happy.

From that day, I started to question everything I have heard about gay people and homosexuality. It was strange that something described as a sin, against nature and disgusting, would leave me happy, complete and effortlessly natural than all things I have tried to do to be natural including making out with girls. Through a kiss I made a journey to accept myself, to not be hard on me and to embrace the person I am. It is a lifetime journey especially when you live in society where it is still a problem to express love in public with your partner or present him or her to your friends and  family.